Source: Pleated-Jeans
Favorite Comment: wiseguy327 says, “I’m voting for “Making Fist Kebabs” or “Hand-to-Gland Combat””
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Simple thing…none of these euphemisms work for me because I’m female.
Read one I rather enjoy…”Muffin Morse Code”. Looked up the link so I can give credit:
http://listoftheday.blogspot.com/2009/03/371-euphemisms-for-female-masturbation_06.html
Thank you, sister.
I was just about to post almost the same thing
Exactly! Flicking the Bean is one of my favorites
There are girls on the interwebs! So why’d they post only boy euphemisms? On the bright side, now I know how to spell “euphemisms” properly. My personal favorite is “double-clicking the mouse”
But I haven’t yet checked the list yet, so I might find another one; I’ll share it with my bf.
This is disgusting. Why the frig isn’t it in the “After Dark” section?
Seriously? No nudity. No swearing. Not even a suggestive stick figure, other than the one implanted in your rectum of course.
THIS.
how is this disgusting?
bet you do it all the time
Because masturbation isn’t disgusting. Here’s a cool fact: women who masturbate are better in bed than women who don’t. It’s because they know how to makes themselves feel good and guys like that.
hawt
Because there’s nothing wrong with masturbation.
..but if you tell there kids there is, they’ll grow up racked with guilt wondering whether they’re going to hell or not
Really? I thought it was rather entertaining! Unfortunately I live in England so it wasn’t all that helpful to me xD
That’s right. I forgot. English people are asexual.
OH NO YOU DIDN’T! D:
I know– there’s no way someone with an accent that hot could be asexual.
I’m a 22 year old British female, happily and vigorously sexually active for 6 years and it has never even OCCURRED to me to masturbate, even in front of my partners, so I never have, which apparently makes me one of 11% of women worldwide. Maybe we British people are as closeted and weird as people make out….However, yes, from what I’ve heard, it definitely involves scones…and Corgis…
Hey, don’t knock masturbation — it’s sex with someone I really like. (Apologies to W. Allen).
I give props to you, sir. I couldn’t have done it beter myself.
It’s funny ’cause that’s what this entire chart was about.
Are you kidding me right now? You REALLY think masturbation is disgusting? What on earth is wrong with you? I mean, do you punish yourself after every time you masturbate? And don’t tell me you don’t do it, because I know you do.
Masturbation is disgusting if a penis is involved. In fact sometimes when I’m fapping I look down and I’m like “Ew, a penis, I did not need to see that right now!” and it totally turns me off. I wish I had a little naked asian lady for a penis, so that wouldn’t happen.
That’s why you don’t look at it, duh
^this.
^that
plus i liek calling it “choking a smurf”
“a smurf? what the hell happened to the chicken?”
jeff dunham WIN
Dude – if it looks like a smurf, it’s either faaaar too cold in your room, or you should go visit the doc…
Maybe his penis is exactly three apples tall.
Any macho guy would say instead: “fighting hand to hand with an anaconda”
No. It’s disgusting to you, because of religious schizophrenia conditioned you to think it’s disgusting.
But what’s really disgusting is the delusion you’re living in.
He said absolutely nothing in regards to religion, he’s pointing out the fact that he’s more straight than a lot of people.
I swear everything with you comes down to ‘religion is evil’. We get it, you are a paranoid psycho.
“Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.” – George Carlin
I do find it disgusting. And I never masturbate. Yes, I can not help what my body is doing by itself, I can not help my desires. But I find them all disqusting, and when I’m awake, I can controll most of my body.
But I don’t have anything against this post. I just miss the % of those who never masturbate. Or am I forever alone?
Yes, yes you are.
Successful troll is successful.
Playing Solid Snake…lol I like that one.
Actually my preferred euphemism is “I’ll tell you in to comments”
i call it “tossing the dwarf”… to clarify, i’m a huge nerd, so lefty would be “legolas”, wheras righty would be “aragorn”, and “gimli” (the dwarf, as in, “no one tosses a dwarf”) kinda hangs down the middle…
…wow. I’ve never heard anyone use that before.
Brilliant!!!
Me gusta.
0____________0 YEEESSS!!!
thank you, thank you *takes a bow*
incidentally, i just displayed just how much of a nerd i am, and FOUR (i’m guessing) women were willing to look past that and like it, so i’m going to need some phone #s.
if the female facts are included in the post, shouldn’t there be a female term in the poll? IE- flick da bean, double click the mouse, pet the kitty…. my vote is definitely double clicking.
There are no women on the internet.
Says Bieber.
Pretty much.
sex, video games and internet usage.
Three things not in a womans pallet.
Yup. And I love calculus. And masturbation.
one of those things is hawt, one not
however, i’m sorry to report you are on the internet, therefore you must be a dude
THIS. F**k yes.
sex isnt on my pallet? care to explain my pregnancy? or why im ONLINE RIGHT NOW?
God, you’re an idiot.
Don’t you get the joke?
You are the kind of women that give everybody else a bad name by being thick.
*KNOCKED UP* achievement reached.
2 gamer points awarded.
This is one well fed troll.
Kudos, sir.
You only have to click twice? What’s your secret? ;p
The five knuckle shuffle
Fire off some knuckle children
For girls: five knuckle truffle shuffle?
The solo suffle,
The one man waltz
and my favorite (for the ladies) borrowing a jumper
I usually say “Prepping the Den Liner”.
I like to say “taking matters into my own hands”.
THIS
Best answer. Evar.
“Getting a grip on myself.”
beating the snot out of dirty eddie!
Double clicking the mouse.
Boxing the bishop
right up there with “boxing the one-eyed clown”… ever listened to the vcpr radio station in gta: vice city stories?
Taking my talents to South Beach.
YOU ARE A GENIUS
Best euphemism ever dates from the ’90s: “Firing the surgeon general”
I call it petting the kitty or pleasing the peach.
I’d guess at least half of all girls do it daily no matter what surveys say.
I’d agree and second that.
You people cracked me up!
+100 internets to *everyone* (except for the first poster who complained about this hilarious graph).
Hey, who complained? I just pointed out the reason why I voted “I’ll tell you in the comments”. I think I deserve teh internets.
Except that I’m female. Crap. And we all know about that…
Stretching the goose
Using the lotion
Handing it elevator style
Jerking off
..
Can’t think of anything else now
I’m concerned that four out of every ten women like masturbation better than sex. You need to step it up, men/lesbians!
There is nothing men or lesbian can do about it.
40% of women are afraid of penis and/or can’t let things go long enough to break one loose.
99.9% of women are not biologically engineered to enjoy sex anyway.
On a womans horniest day, she has less than a tenth of the sex hormones in her body than a man does during his least horniest day.
And…how the F**K do these impressionistic “statistics” equal science?
72.359% of statistics are made up on the spot.
^ Like
love that one, got to remember it. i actually found myself inventing statistics myself some time ago, a real bad habit xD
Tell that to my hormones. They clearly haven’t heard the news.
You’ll have to excuse me, I have another date with Mr Buzzy.
^ Really like.
Have you tried the Trojan Vibrating Touch? I was thinking of getting one of those and wondered if it was decent.
it feels nice but doesn’t have the strongest vibrations. if you need those, California Exotics has this 8-setting monster that runs on four double A batteries. first time, i didn’t know whether the higher settings were nice or terrible … but the Trojan Vibrating Touch is a wonderful beginner’s model or great if you just need a little something to cross the finish line
I think that’s a good euphemism for masturbating.
bullcrap. Get your head out of whatever textbook from the eighteen hundreds you’ve been reading.
I call troll.
I think that you are either a successful troll or ignorant. Have a good day, either way.
I’m voting for “Making Fist Kebabs” or “Hand-to-Gland Combat”
Couldn’t think of any not related to this:
^THIS!!!
LMAO!!!11!!eleven!! ROFL!
wow that Enki god sure held it in him
I am personally a fan of the “Flight Simulator”.
As a lady, I enjoy paddling the pink canoe.
Playing Uno, definitely my favorite.
I was wondering how it would be classified as suicide, assuming it’s done to feel good not to actually kill yourself. Wouldn’t it actually be “accidental death”.
It definitely happens. My cousin died that way when he was 14. They did think it was suicide at first, so maybe that’s why the number is on there.
Yeah, suicide is intentionally killing yourself… this would just be accidental death.
stabbing the cat
socking the sausage
self abuse
beating the nail
pounding the pud
fapping
tearing it loose
grinding it skinless
flogging the weasel
stroking my bone
and of course my favorite “Sitting on the bus Friday nights!”
It’s Friday, Friday; gotta get down on Friday!
Wow, now I have a reason not to want to perform a trachaectomy on that chick. Or less of a reason, anyway.
tickling the penguin
i call it jerking off
“pulling in the anchor” :3
I call it ‘A gentleman’s handshake’. I forget why…
Doubleclicking the mouse.
I call it “taking care of myself.”
i call it ”jackoffsterbating”
That’s pretty much the opposite of a euphemism. Which is why I’m going to start using it.
Unless you’ve trademarked it. Can’t afford the fees.
Killing the Hermit…..
Here in Brazil we have a lot of names for male masturbation, one of this is called “5 against 1″.
I want to know why its called 5 against 1.
5 fingers against the one eyed snake.
taking the BAT out of the BASEMENT
XD <3
Oh, Bo…
Punching the clown.
super happy fun time
90% of men, maybe believable. 89% of women? this has to be bs
It’s not
a) Among women, it’s about the biggest conspiracy that ever existed. and
b) men think that without a handle, there’s no point, they believe whatever we tell them on the matter.
Women are just as guilty as men. We’re just better at lying about it – and people actually believe us when we do lie about it
I like to ‘knead my dough’
Joining the Debating Club, I’m a Master :~D
THIS^ B345T THING EVAR
I like to ” Chop ice”
Pounding off.
Omg they could see into the future because i am one of those 797,151 5 minutes ago I: XD jk i dont masturbate O.O
CHOKE A SMURF
I’ve always liked ‘slapping Jerry Garcia on the nose’. >:D
Milking the one-eyed snake.
I’m the best I’ve ever had. Just ask me!
‘Roughing up the Suspect.’
Taking my talents to South Beach
SNNNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
My favorite euphemism? Juggling the walrus.
Just go to the euphemism generator and get your giggles out.
http://walkingdead.net/perl/euphemism
Of course, back in my day we called it
mangling the pepperoni.
Have a fap
rock out with my c**k out
stroking the monkey
rubbin the mongoose
messin with my stick shift
good ol patdown
takin care of the lil man
scratchin my small head
Jerkin’ the gerkin!
Harvesting the cheese…
Making the Kessel Run with Captain Solo.
ROFLCOPTER! +1 Internetz for you…
So – you have the fastest hunk of junk in the galaxy!
timiding my turtle
what is a flEshlight, and wtf does it have to do with masturbation?!?
Never use google for such things. when you don’t know what it is, you don’t even want to
WIN
Playing Singleplayer
+1. One of the few games that’s best played with only one joystick but as many players as possible. ^.~
There’s no good euphemism for female masturbation
You always just have to say ‘masturbating’ which sounds so technical 
There really isn’t.
We need to make a cute one up.
I just call it “oh!…mmm” in my own mind
someone earlier in the comments called it “petting the kitty” … I kind of liked that
I’ve always called it “Pushing my button”. Have also heard it called “Picking the berry.”
That kangaroo and procipine fact scared me but made me laugh. And my anus hurts after reading this.
Flogging the log
Burping the worm
Beating off
According to Sarah Palin, the Russians can see 797,151 Americans masturbating at this very moment.
Rubbing
or
Killing Kittens
Pleasin’ the Weasel
Taking my talents to South Beach..
Cleaning the Desk, Polishing the Knob, Future Endeavouring Generations of Children
I prefer unleashing the dragon, and my gf likes petting the kitty, but she really likes it when dragon pets the kitty. Just sayin.
I simply say ‘stroking my penis with my hand’
49,76 % of the world population is female, add euphemisms suitable for female masturbation ffs!
That’s what the comments are for
Givin’ Cyclops a massage.
Dating Rosie Palm and her five sisters.
Taking problem in hand.
and to borrow a quote from Robin Williams:
“I’m going blind but it feels so good!” LOL
Riding the skin elevator
Quote; “Uhh…..Busy!”
Wow, look at that enormous typo. It’s supposed to say 10/10 women prefer masturbation to sex.
for all the guys that speak spanish and are from colombia XD
HACERME LA PAJAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
slapping the ham to it
Performing maintainence
My boyfriend and I both call it running a marathon
oh for a guy I also think flogging your dong and beating the bishop are funny. Or just good old FAP!
There aren’t enough euphemisms for women, so my friends and I came up with a few. Here are my favorites:
feeling the flower
massaging the muffin
cracking the clam
tickling the taco
…we like alliteration.
cutting a rug
“drowning the kitten”
“Watching Twilight”
Insert Buffy/Mr. Pointy joke here.
J-in’ o (Jayin’ oh)
I like…
Petting the kitty
Touring the southern regions
Taking a trip down under
One finger typing
Tickling the tiny tomato
Female: “sorry I’m slow I ‘am only able to type with one hand now’”
Male: Wand-Whacking
Love thyself
My thoughts exactly. I don’t disagree that it exists, but I do disagree at it being called “suicide”, and that 30% figure is completely impossible. It was probably meant to be a 3%.
it’s 30% of 12-20 year old males who are found dead with a rope around their neck. not that impossible.
Herpin the Derp.
“Waxing the whale” is a personal favourite of mine.
Stabbing the Cat
here’s something interesting for anyone who’s familiar with yugioh:
there is an egyptian creation myth that says the world because a god felt the need to jack off. the god was called Atem.
*world was made
*world came into being.
*NOSE EXPLODES FOREVER*
that’s a common misconception, actually; it’s how the great lakes were made, and the god’s name was chuck norris. grand canyon? sneeze.
you accidentally a verb
I call it “reducing my risk of cervical infections.”
“going on a date with miss palmer and her 5 daughters”
beating yer bald midget.
Shaking hands with the President. (stole it from Prison Break)
We call it “Fluffing the Garfield”
It really helps your Odie…
Doing a manual override.
Read it in a book Neal Stephenson and it stuck with me ever since.
WTF, none of those options were for women! I like pet the bunny (or the more obvious, pet the kitty).
‘ OGC ‘ is a good euphemism – If you tilt your head to the left the O is the guys head, the G is his arms holding his wang and C is his legs…
=))
I prefer logging the morning wood myself
RULE 34
NO exceptions!
“Playin’ a little 5 on 1 tug of war”
For females: Guttin the fish, Spankin the skunk guts, Shucking the clam, digging one out.
For females: “Spanking the beaver”
For either sex: “pleasing oneself”, “enjoying yourself”
Why does there need to be all these idiot alliterations and bizarre animal references? Why do you even need to give it a name? How often are you talking about this is in general conversation that you need ‘a cute name’ for it? And why a cute name?
Retard convention.
As a bio geek, I salute you!
slaping the seal
tooting my own horn
sometimes I only have to clench my thighs for a surprise feeling; not even getting my hands dirty or wasting a battery…
U Jelly boyz n gulz?
Since it’s hockey playoff time, I enjoy “Pulling the goalie”.
using my five finger army to assult seeping stick inc.
Tapping little Johnny behind the ears.
Seriously people the top 2 and I take full credit for 1 of them which is Badger The Witness and Burp The Worm,,,,Nuff said!!
Polishing the Pearl. ^^
to hold the sausage hostage
My brother in law says he’s on a date with “Lena Handén” (literal translation: Smooth Hand).
That reminds me I was about to go do something.
Baiting the master.
Playing the one man band is a favourite
Worshipping the almighty Lord Enki.
Saluting the purple helmeted yogurt slinger
my two favorites are flogging your log and giving the little general an honorable discharge
performing a study on friction and fluid dynamics
+42 internets to you.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go depressurize the system…
“masturbate”
that reminds me, i gotta masturbate.
Shaking the water snake
http://www.google.co.uk/search?um=1&hl=en&safe=off&rlz=1C1RNPN_enGB403&tbm=isch&q=water+snake+toy&revid=1541674995&sa=X&ei=plmzTdpchK3yA-GviJcM&ved=0CDMQ1QIoAA&biw=1366&bih=667
Dating Ms. Michigan. always liked that one.
PUNCHIN’ THE CLOWN!
● I’ll tell you in the comments
That’s the one. Be right back, gonna go tell you in the comments.
Ha. The Five Knuckle Shuffle is one that made me laugh when I first heard it.
flicking the bean!!
..don’t tell me you’re scratching?
skimming the milk
put something straight
rub one off
play with mr. Happy
my friend uses “shale hands with beef”
**shake
My personal favorite is “Playing the fleshflute”
slaying the dragon
Sly of Hand
Male – “Jesus takes your wheel”
Female – “Finding Nemo”
My favorite? “Hand-to-gland combat.”
“Shaking hands with the unemployed”
It’s a wonder I remember it because I poured bleach in my ears when my father told me that’s what he called it.
Shankin’ the pork sword.
Tenderizing the meat.
making god cry one hand at a time
Taking Palmela Handerson on a date.
Playing pocket Billiards
Playing with the Woody doll. (from toy story)
whacking the willy wonka all the way to wonderland
“Bopping the Love Gremlin “… “Shaking Hands with the one-fingered puppeteer”… so many to choose from.
Punchin the Munchkin! And for females: Jam out with the clam out (as opposed to rock out with the c*ck out?) Also love Taking the Sausage Hostage from Jon Lajoie. Classic.
From that song, I personally prefer ‘playing ball on Team Penis,’ but that’s not much of a euphemism
mangling the pepperoni.
Having a date with Mrs. Palm and her five lovely daughters
With Rosy and her five sisters…
….smothering the waffle? dipping the cake? Having a threesome with Mr Index Finger & Mr. Middle Finger? Beating the eggs/dough?
roughing up the suspect
unleashing the kracken
changing (excuse through door)
exercising my demons
lightening my load
giving tissue a purpose
Euphemisms:
self-pollinate
pleasure yourself
whip some icing on that cake
whip some cream
love yourself
All By Myself (the Green Day song, not the Celine Dion song)
Tre Cooling (another Green Day reference)
Longviewing (yet another Green Day reference)
Right Hand O’Rama (The Network reference)
Yes. As you can see, I am a fan of Green Day and good ol’ fapping.
My vote is for ‘playing a solo on the Devil’s clarinet.’ Enough said.
“Fap”
Just the funniest sounding one.
Favorite euphemism? One my mom and I came up with to describe my brother’s habits after watching Black Swan (AKA “The Movie Where We Watch Natalie Portman Masturbate Every Other Scene”)
“Conducting Swan Lake” ;D
My fav is “Taking Grandma to Applebees”
“hermit that never leaves”?
Best euphemism I ever heard for either gender was ‘voting Republican’. Since it’s the most self-serving thing you can do.
This chart and the comment just changed my plans for this evening.